OOPS! I Pooped in My Pants

When I get out of bed in the morning, I love a good strong cup of coffee. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I jump into my car, drinking coffee and head for the YMCA. Jack’s HI/LO aerobics class starts at 6:30AM. I park the car. Oh no, I have to go number 2.

The two-minute warning.Can I make it to the toilet before I poop in my pants? I squeeze my butt checks as tight as I can, race-walking to the YMCA. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? Rounding the corner I think of the little engine that could, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

I climb the steps to the Y. Greet my friends. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? Maybe not. The desk staff swipes my membership card and greets me with “Good morning Mr. Beckstein, how are you?” I quip. “Just fine.”

Round the corner. Now 20 feet to the ground floor men’s room. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? The stall is empty. Hooray. I drop my trousers, sit on the toilet and relax.

Well the beat the clock race walk was partly successful. The feces are now spread around my anus and my underwear is soiled. I wipe much of the poop with toilet paper and decide it’s shower time. Put the soiled underwear back on and jeans. I head for the men’s locker room. Find my locker. Strip down again and throw my jeans into the day locker.

Now I can shower and wash off the rest of the feces. I take my soiled underwear with me to the shower and rinse them out as well.
Do the other guys in the shower think this is gross? I don’t know. I don’t care.
I chit chat in the shower to release my anxiety. I watch the brown water puddle around my feet and then turn clean and go down the drain.

After my shower I decide to relax in the hot Jacuzzi and warm my stiff muscles from yesterday’s hike.

I shave and chat with friends who ask, “Hey, why didn’t to show up for Jack’s class this morning?
We missed you.”

“I pooped in my pants during class and decided to just shower this morning” I said.

“ Oh, how is that colon cancer book coming?” my friend replied.

“Just fine. I said.”