Did You Boys Pre-Medicate?
When I got my oxyplatin chemo treatments, I was in no shape to drive myself home from the doctor's office. So I always asked one friend or another to drive me to and from my chemo treatments and to distract me in between.
For one chemo treatment, I invited my friend Rick to be my driver AND photographer Rick had years of experience shooting movies in Hollywood. Also, he had had stomach surgery himself, so he was very helpful helping me learn how to eat with a new digestive track. I wanted Rick to take digital photos of one of my chemo treatments. In the back of my mind I knew someday I would publish a book on my experience with colon cancer.
In the treatment room, I sat down in the patient chair and Rick positioned himself in the corner near the door. After a few minutes, a nurse entered the room and introduced herself. Uh oh, it looked like I was going to have to break in a new nurse. My oncologist was expanding his practice.
"Who is this?" the nurse asked me, as she started prepping me for my meds.
"My friend Rick," I responded. "He is here to drive me home after my treatment."
"OK," she said, sounding a little suspicious.
My nurse did not notice Rick's camera.
The needle stick for my IV was always a difficult part of my chemo treatment. I had hoped Rick would engage me in conversation as the nurse found a vein. But no, Rick was getting his camera ready for the digital shoot.
First the nurse started with the Saline solution. Next, she injected oxyplatin. It would take
exactly one hour for me to feel the full effects. I knew this from experience. Onyplatin is a booster drug or catalyst drug. This drug is like a solid fuel booster rocket to blast me into outer space. I was sitting in a chair ready for takeoff. “Ground control to Major Tom.”
The nurse left the room to attend to other patients and Rick went Hollywood.
Click, Click, Click.
I felt the freezing Oxyplatin crawl up my arm through my vein. It was like my entire arm was immersed in a bucket of ice. Rick kept shooting. He shot high. He shot low. I put a water bottle on my lap for product placement. Click, Click. We both found this hilarious. My facial expression shows much of my life force has been slammed into a chemo fog. Rick and I were laughing and shooting pictures. I got slammed full force by the oxyplatin. The new nurse burst into the room.
"What is going on in here? I heard laughing!" She barked a few questions. Then, a very stern look on her face, she asked both of us, "Did you boys pre-medicate?"
Even under the full force of Oxyplatin chemo fog I was able to reply
"No we didn't PRE-MEDICATE.
This oxyplatin has knocked me out for the next 4 hours and Rick here is my designated driver. After this treatment Rick will drive us both to a bar in where we will fully enjoy the rest of the afternoon. Rick will drink a pitcher of beer to catch up with me and I will slowly recover from Oxyplatin.
Rick will POST-MEDICATE.
After four hours of drinking for Rick and me processing the Oxyplatin, we flip a coin to see who will drive home."
The shocked nurse left the room quietly and made some notes in my medical record.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Just Call on Your Brother
I took my morning dose of chemo and then proceeded to my brother’s church in Santa Cruz. I experienced a spiritual high from the chemo and the church experience. I excused myself and stepped outside to face the sun in a garden. My brother joined me a few minutes later then inquired, “Doug, are you ok?”
“I am fine David.” Just wanted to sit in the sun this feels sooooooooo good.
My chemo is wearing off and I am coming back to planet earth."
David then sat next to me, put his head on my shoulder and began to quietly sob.
“I am so glad you did not die” he whispered in my ear.
We both were facing this disease for months of treatments. This was the first time my brother David expressed his fear about my near death experience of cancer.
I replied, “David, I can’t feel sadness right now. All I can do is to be strong and fight this cancer each day. Once I am done with the battle and I win and I am cancer free THEN I can feel the other emotions.”
It takes real courage for me feel all the emotions. I stuffed the sadness and anger and dispair into a box so I could fight the battle. Feelings continue to flow and I experience them and then release them. It seems a bit easier as time passes. Healing is a slow process.
Today my brother David and I are very close. I very blessed to have him in my life.
The song "Lean on Me" says it all.
Some times in our lives,
we all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.
[Chorus:]
Lean on me, when your not strong, and I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long, 'till I'm gonna need
somebody to lean on.
Please, swallow your pride, if I have
made, you need to borrow. For no one can feel those of your
needs, that you won't let show.
You just call on your brother when you need a hand, we all
need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that
you'll understand, we all need some body to lean on.
[Chorus]
You just call on your brother, when you need a hand, we all
need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that
you'll understand. We all need someone to lean on
If, there is a load, that you have to bear, that you can't carry,
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load, if you just call me.
Call me
“I am fine David.” Just wanted to sit in the sun this feels sooooooooo good.
My chemo is wearing off and I am coming back to planet earth."
David then sat next to me, put his head on my shoulder and began to quietly sob.
“I am so glad you did not die” he whispered in my ear.
We both were facing this disease for months of treatments. This was the first time my brother David expressed his fear about my near death experience of cancer.
I replied, “David, I can’t feel sadness right now. All I can do is to be strong and fight this cancer each day. Once I am done with the battle and I win and I am cancer free THEN I can feel the other emotions.”
It takes real courage for me feel all the emotions. I stuffed the sadness and anger and dispair into a box so I could fight the battle. Feelings continue to flow and I experience them and then release them. It seems a bit easier as time passes. Healing is a slow process.
Today my brother David and I are very close. I very blessed to have him in my life.
The song "Lean on Me" says it all.
Some times in our lives,
we all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But, if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.
[Chorus:]
Lean on me, when your not strong, and I'll be your friend,
I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long, 'till I'm gonna need
somebody to lean on.
Please, swallow your pride, if I have
made, you need to borrow. For no one can feel those of your
needs, that you won't let show.
You just call on your brother when you need a hand, we all
need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that
you'll understand, we all need some body to lean on.
[Chorus]
You just call on your brother, when you need a hand, we all
need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that
you'll understand. We all need someone to lean on
If, there is a load, that you have to bear, that you can't carry,
I'm right up the road, I'll share your load, if you just call me.
Call me
Monday, May 14, 2007
My Diagnosis
My First Colonoscopy
October 2003
I delayed one year before going to get my colonoscopy. It hurts my wife told me. I finally scheduled my procedure. My primary care doctor Mark Greenbaum had inspected every portal of my body. He said it is time for the scope. Routine colonoscopy. “After fifty, it is time to get this done.” He advised.
My Doctor had guided me through treatment for depression, nasal pollips, hernia operations, blood pressure treatment and so on. He always answered my numerous questions.
I glanced at the neatly stacked magazines in the doctor’s waiting room. The frosted glass sliding door hid the receptionist from view. Time to sign the clipboard with my patient name and arrival time.
A tall well dressed woman entered with her husband. He slowly signed the clipboard and the woman sat down next to me. I started to chit chat with her to pass the time but she stared at her husband who was methodically completing paperwork. She held the car keys in her hand and whispered in my ear.
“I want to make sure he does not bolt out the waiting room door. My husband will find any excuse to run away from his colonoscopy.”
She joined her husband at the frosted window hiding the receptionist and helped her husband get signed in for his procedure. She had a canvas bag in her hand stuffed with magazines to read and probably healthy snacks.
Later I learned that only about 50 precent of the patients show up and complete their colonoscopy. Leaving 50 percent skipping this procedure.
"Mr. Beckstein?" The nurse dressed in a generic medical outfit looked at me over her reading glasses.
I follow the nurse for the normal weight in and blood pressure check. Then off to a tiny room to watch and educational video about Colonoscopy on a tiny TV.
“Any questions about the procedure?” the doctor asked.
“Will it hurt?” I inquired.
“No. You will receive a light dose of anti-anxiety medication and then an IV of a medication that will block the feeling in your body. You will be awake during the procedure and be able to watch the whole thing on a TV monitor.” The doctor replied.
“Ok lets do it” I said.
I booked the procedure two weeks before Halloween 2003.
The Prep
Off to the drug store to get the prep meds to clean out my colon for my procedure. Got my supplies, read the doctor’s instructions and positioned my body at my kitchen sink in my home. I looked out the window at my beautiful garden and watched my dog Sally and cat Sylvester corner a squirrel in the back yard.
The prep for my colonoscopy was this salty tasting solution that I needed to consume completely. I took a sip and threw up in my kitchen sink. Bent over the counter I thought of my dear friend Sally who fought breast cancer for so many years and lost her life to the disease.
I took another swig and puked again. I was empting my stomach not my colon. I finished the salt solution and cleaned the kitchen sink. Sally and Sylvester were still chasing that squirrel.
Next phase of my prep was an enema. Never remembering having an enema before. I read the directions then positioned my body on the kitchen floor this time raising my knees to my chest in fetal position and inserting the applicator into my rectum slowly. Now I get to empty my bowels into the toilet. I think I dropped ten pounds of weight that morning with the puking and toilet adventure. Time to go for my colonoscopy.
The Colonoscopy Procedure
The doctor was wearing a mask so were the nurses. I think they were getting ready for Halloween. Probably the Valium making me feel more relaxed. Lets see I lay on my side with bent knees. There is the TV so I can watch the procedure. Oh goody.
The doctor says “Good Morning, how are you.”
“Fine.” I reply. He is probably not too interested in my puking in the kitchen sink story I thought. Lets just get this thing DONE I thought.
The doctor hooks up and IV with my final meds. “You may nod off to sleep” he said. Fine I thought. I really don’t want to watch your TV anyhow. I hate TV.
Then I woke up with a jolt. My doctor was staring at me. The nurses were staring at me.
“Mr. Beckstein you have colon cancer. You must schedule an abdominal resection surgery as soon as possible.” The doctor advised.
He handed me a small piece of paper with hand written instructions. I rolled over on my back on the gurney in shock. Deer in headlights. Stunned. The nurses had their masks removed and they said, “You will passing a lot of gas from this procedure.”
The doors of the procedure room opened and I felt like I was going through an automatic car wash leaving the procedure room experiencing the biggest fart of my entire life.
I have Colon Cancer! Oh my God.
October 2003
I delayed one year before going to get my colonoscopy. It hurts my wife told me. I finally scheduled my procedure. My primary care doctor Mark Greenbaum had inspected every portal of my body. He said it is time for the scope. Routine colonoscopy. “After fifty, it is time to get this done.” He advised.
My Doctor had guided me through treatment for depression, nasal pollips, hernia operations, blood pressure treatment and so on. He always answered my numerous questions.
I glanced at the neatly stacked magazines in the doctor’s waiting room. The frosted glass sliding door hid the receptionist from view. Time to sign the clipboard with my patient name and arrival time.
A tall well dressed woman entered with her husband. He slowly signed the clipboard and the woman sat down next to me. I started to chit chat with her to pass the time but she stared at her husband who was methodically completing paperwork. She held the car keys in her hand and whispered in my ear.
“I want to make sure he does not bolt out the waiting room door. My husband will find any excuse to run away from his colonoscopy.”
She joined her husband at the frosted window hiding the receptionist and helped her husband get signed in for his procedure. She had a canvas bag in her hand stuffed with magazines to read and probably healthy snacks.
Later I learned that only about 50 precent of the patients show up and complete their colonoscopy. Leaving 50 percent skipping this procedure.
"Mr. Beckstein?" The nurse dressed in a generic medical outfit looked at me over her reading glasses.
I follow the nurse for the normal weight in and blood pressure check. Then off to a tiny room to watch and educational video about Colonoscopy on a tiny TV.
“Any questions about the procedure?” the doctor asked.
“Will it hurt?” I inquired.
“No. You will receive a light dose of anti-anxiety medication and then an IV of a medication that will block the feeling in your body. You will be awake during the procedure and be able to watch the whole thing on a TV monitor.” The doctor replied.
“Ok lets do it” I said.
I booked the procedure two weeks before Halloween 2003.
The Prep
Off to the drug store to get the prep meds to clean out my colon for my procedure. Got my supplies, read the doctor’s instructions and positioned my body at my kitchen sink in my home. I looked out the window at my beautiful garden and watched my dog Sally and cat Sylvester corner a squirrel in the back yard.
The prep for my colonoscopy was this salty tasting solution that I needed to consume completely. I took a sip and threw up in my kitchen sink. Bent over the counter I thought of my dear friend Sally who fought breast cancer for so many years and lost her life to the disease.
I took another swig and puked again. I was empting my stomach not my colon. I finished the salt solution and cleaned the kitchen sink. Sally and Sylvester were still chasing that squirrel.
Next phase of my prep was an enema. Never remembering having an enema before. I read the directions then positioned my body on the kitchen floor this time raising my knees to my chest in fetal position and inserting the applicator into my rectum slowly. Now I get to empty my bowels into the toilet. I think I dropped ten pounds of weight that morning with the puking and toilet adventure. Time to go for my colonoscopy.
The Colonoscopy Procedure
The doctor was wearing a mask so were the nurses. I think they were getting ready for Halloween. Probably the Valium making me feel more relaxed. Lets see I lay on my side with bent knees. There is the TV so I can watch the procedure. Oh goody.
The doctor says “Good Morning, how are you.”
“Fine.” I reply. He is probably not too interested in my puking in the kitchen sink story I thought. Lets just get this thing DONE I thought.
The doctor hooks up and IV with my final meds. “You may nod off to sleep” he said. Fine I thought. I really don’t want to watch your TV anyhow. I hate TV.
Then I woke up with a jolt. My doctor was staring at me. The nurses were staring at me.
“Mr. Beckstein you have colon cancer. You must schedule an abdominal resection surgery as soon as possible.” The doctor advised.
He handed me a small piece of paper with hand written instructions. I rolled over on my back on the gurney in shock. Deer in headlights. Stunned. The nurses had their masks removed and they said, “You will passing a lot of gas from this procedure.”
The doors of the procedure room opened and I felt like I was going through an automatic car wash leaving the procedure room experiencing the biggest fart of my entire life.
I have Colon Cancer! Oh my God.
Panic
I came home from work to be greeted by a blinking light on my answering machine. I pressed the button before the door was closed. I recognized the voice right way. My primary care physician’s office manager.
“This is Doctor _____’s office. The doctor would like you to call him back as soon as possible.”Then she left the phone number.
Damn! What is wrong? I thought. Why is my doctor calling me. I just got those blood tests for lipids. He would not call just for high colesteral. I also had blood work done to prepare for my regular checkup of a CT scan of my throat, abdomen and pelvis which are scheduled for next Monday. Hummmm.
My heart started pounding and I played the message again trying to write down the office number. Found my phone and dialed the number. Wrong number. I played the message again. Dialed again. Wrong number.
Why can’t people speak louder and slower when they leave phone numbers? Now I am irritated and scared at the same time, impatient to get the news yet dreading the message I was going to receive.
I dialed the phone a third time. Busy! My anxiety is rising even more. My fourth attempt to reach my doctor was successful. The office staff put me through immediately.
The doctor reported that my CEA test result was 3.6 and normal is 3.0. He was concerned about this cea reading and said he consulted with my oncologist. They both agreed that the CEA test must be redone in six weeks. I replied that my CT tests would be next week on Monday and that I have scheduled an oncologist followup office visit a few days after my CT scan so the results can go to my oncologist. We will review the CEA blood tests and CT test result in about ten days.
“Good he said. We are not exactly sure what this test result means right now. Your oncologist will discuss this with you.”
I hung up the phone. My head spinning. What is a CEA test again? My dog is telling me she REALLY has to go outside. I grab my cellphone and dog leash and leave the building. As Sally is sniffing and peeing on green grass and pooping in high weeds, I dial my friend Lior. Her number is set for speed dial since I usually drive her to my writing group. “Please, please, answer” I pray then a deep voice says “Hello?”
“Hi this is Doug, I am a friend of your mom, is this the right number?
“Yeah, it is. I’m her son.”
He could sing bass I thought. Then I asked, “How was Alaska?”
My friend had told me how proud she was that he was doing a fundraising event skiing in a competition in Alaska.”
“It was really cold there but I finished the course on hour earlier than last year.”
“Fantastic. You can be proud of that accomplishment! Can I speak to your mom?”
“Sure. She just walked in the door from work.”
I was so relieved she was home and that we could talk. Sally my dog was greatly relieved too. Sally was marking territory in my neighborhood as I talked to my friend.
“How are you?” she inquired.
“I’m a little worried. I got CEA test results of 3.6 and normal is 3.0 Now I am afraid my cancer is coming back again.”
She paused to try to understand my speed rapping. Sally is pulling me down the sidewalk with much enthusiaum. I am shouting into the cellphone then I lose my connection.
Redial. Busy.
Slow down Doug I thought. Collect your thoughts and stop walking Sally as you redial. My friend answers the phone.
“Hey slow down. What is a CEA test?” she querried.
“I don’t remember exactly. I think it is a cancer marker. I had them all through my treatment and each time I asked my oncologist or radiologist they said my results were in a acceptable range.” There. I got a chance to tell my story to a friend who too is fighting cancer. She understands the anxiety test results bring to cancer survivors.
I ask how she is doing and I get the latest news. We decide I will pick her up for writing group this week. I thanked her for the support. I promised I would be writing about this.
Worry Cycle Drama
I have been down this path before. Time for some self care. First of all I want a beer. No beer in my studio. I want wine. Nope. I decide not to go to the liquior store. Sally and I return to my studio.
My friend Robin calls. I tell her my news that I am worried about cancer reoccurance and the CEA test results.
“I’m sorry Doug, What is a CEA test?” she asked.
“I don’t know Robin.” We caught up on the latest news and I said goodnight.
What do I do now I wondered?
Lay down and play a relaxation tape. NO. Time to pamper myself.
Took a long hot shower. Got in my robe and jammies and those fuzzy slippers I got from Pat.
Lit a scented candle I got from Lorraine.
Made a salad with hot peppermint and green tea. Watched a comedy. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world. Now I need rest.
A good night’s sleep in my comfy bed under a fluffy down comforter. Tomorrow I will google “CEA lab tests” and learn more about what to do and what to ask the doctors.
I get a good night sleep.
“This is Doctor _____’s office. The doctor would like you to call him back as soon as possible.”Then she left the phone number.
Damn! What is wrong? I thought. Why is my doctor calling me. I just got those blood tests for lipids. He would not call just for high colesteral. I also had blood work done to prepare for my regular checkup of a CT scan of my throat, abdomen and pelvis which are scheduled for next Monday. Hummmm.
My heart started pounding and I played the message again trying to write down the office number. Found my phone and dialed the number. Wrong number. I played the message again. Dialed again. Wrong number.
Why can’t people speak louder and slower when they leave phone numbers? Now I am irritated and scared at the same time, impatient to get the news yet dreading the message I was going to receive.
I dialed the phone a third time. Busy! My anxiety is rising even more. My fourth attempt to reach my doctor was successful. The office staff put me through immediately.
The doctor reported that my CEA test result was 3.6 and normal is 3.0. He was concerned about this cea reading and said he consulted with my oncologist. They both agreed that the CEA test must be redone in six weeks. I replied that my CT tests would be next week on Monday and that I have scheduled an oncologist followup office visit a few days after my CT scan so the results can go to my oncologist. We will review the CEA blood tests and CT test result in about ten days.
“Good he said. We are not exactly sure what this test result means right now. Your oncologist will discuss this with you.”
I hung up the phone. My head spinning. What is a CEA test again? My dog is telling me she REALLY has to go outside. I grab my cellphone and dog leash and leave the building. As Sally is sniffing and peeing on green grass and pooping in high weeds, I dial my friend Lior. Her number is set for speed dial since I usually drive her to my writing group. “Please, please, answer” I pray then a deep voice says “Hello?”
“Hi this is Doug, I am a friend of your mom, is this the right number?
“Yeah, it is. I’m her son.”
He could sing bass I thought. Then I asked, “How was Alaska?”
My friend had told me how proud she was that he was doing a fundraising event skiing in a competition in Alaska.”
“It was really cold there but I finished the course on hour earlier than last year.”
“Fantastic. You can be proud of that accomplishment! Can I speak to your mom?”
“Sure. She just walked in the door from work.”
I was so relieved she was home and that we could talk. Sally my dog was greatly relieved too. Sally was marking territory in my neighborhood as I talked to my friend.
“How are you?” she inquired.
“I’m a little worried. I got CEA test results of 3.6 and normal is 3.0 Now I am afraid my cancer is coming back again.”
She paused to try to understand my speed rapping. Sally is pulling me down the sidewalk with much enthusiaum. I am shouting into the cellphone then I lose my connection.
Redial. Busy.
Slow down Doug I thought. Collect your thoughts and stop walking Sally as you redial. My friend answers the phone.
“Hey slow down. What is a CEA test?” she querried.
“I don’t remember exactly. I think it is a cancer marker. I had them all through my treatment and each time I asked my oncologist or radiologist they said my results were in a acceptable range.” There. I got a chance to tell my story to a friend who too is fighting cancer. She understands the anxiety test results bring to cancer survivors.
I ask how she is doing and I get the latest news. We decide I will pick her up for writing group this week. I thanked her for the support. I promised I would be writing about this.
Worry Cycle Drama
I have been down this path before. Time for some self care. First of all I want a beer. No beer in my studio. I want wine. Nope. I decide not to go to the liquior store. Sally and I return to my studio.
My friend Robin calls. I tell her my news that I am worried about cancer reoccurance and the CEA test results.
“I’m sorry Doug, What is a CEA test?” she asked.
“I don’t know Robin.” We caught up on the latest news and I said goodnight.
What do I do now I wondered?
Lay down and play a relaxation tape. NO. Time to pamper myself.
Took a long hot shower. Got in my robe and jammies and those fuzzy slippers I got from Pat.
Lit a scented candle I got from Lorraine.
Made a salad with hot peppermint and green tea. Watched a comedy. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world. Now I need rest.
A good night’s sleep in my comfy bed under a fluffy down comforter. Tomorrow I will google “CEA lab tests” and learn more about what to do and what to ask the doctors.
I get a good night sleep.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Talk to Chuck
Jack can get anybody to exercise. In 2004 My chemo and radiation treatments were finished. Cancer cells were killed throughout my body but I was white as a ghost. Itg was time to rebuild my physical body. I have been going to a gym for 20 years. Every workout was the same routine. Never did I exercise to the point of sweating. My workouts were a rut. Time to reconsider my exercise goals.
People at the YMCA said, “Hey, you should try Jack’s class.” Well being a skeptic I thought, how about hiring Jack as a personal trainer? Fine. I asked Jack. “Will you help me get back in shape? I just finished treatments for colon cancer.”
Jack paused of a moment then said, “OK, but talk to Chuck first.”
“Who’s Chuck?” I countered. “Why do I talk to Chuck, when you are the best personal trainer here at the Y”
“Because” Jack quickly replied, “Chuck finished cancer treatments a year ago and he is better suited to help you with your physical recovery program. You talk to Chuck then I will work with you.”
People at the YMCA said, “Hey, you should try Jack’s class.” Well being a skeptic I thought, how about hiring Jack as a personal trainer? Fine. I asked Jack. “Will you help me get back in shape? I just finished treatments for colon cancer.”
Jack paused of a moment then said, “OK, but talk to Chuck first.”
“Who’s Chuck?” I countered. “Why do I talk to Chuck, when you are the best personal trainer here at the Y”
“Because” Jack quickly replied, “Chuck finished cancer treatments a year ago and he is better suited to help you with your physical recovery program. You talk to Chuck then I will work with you.”
Exceptional Patients
What is an Exceptional Patient?
From Love, Medicine and Miracles by Bernie S. Siegel MD. 1986
Exceptional patients are confident they will beat back the disease and resume a normal life. They hold an optimistic view of their prognosis.
Exceptional patients heal themselves. “They do not rely on doctors to take the initiative but rather use them as members of a team, demanding the utmost in technique, resourcefulness, concern, and open-mindedness. If they are not satisfied, they change doctors.”
Exceptional patients involve themselves in creative activities.
Exceptional patients believe in the power of the mind to overcome disease.
Exceptional patients take charge of their lives and refuse to participate in defeat. They refuse to play victim.
Exceptional patients work hard to achieve health. “ True healing not merely reversal of one particular disease.”
Exceptional patients love themselves and others. They love life and accept the fact they will not live forever.
Exceptional patients work hard to achieve peace of mind. Peace of mind sends the body a “live” message.
Exceptional patients help themselves and others mobilize all resources to fight their disease and heal themselves.
Exceptional patients educate themselves and become experts at their own care.
Exceptional patients demand dignity, personhood and control no matter what course of the disease.
Exceptional patients want to know every detail of their health care: x-ray reports, lab test results, pathology reports and what every number means.
From Love, Medicine and Miracles by Bernie S. Siegel MD. 1986
Exceptional patients are confident they will beat back the disease and resume a normal life. They hold an optimistic view of their prognosis.
Exceptional patients heal themselves. “They do not rely on doctors to take the initiative but rather use them as members of a team, demanding the utmost in technique, resourcefulness, concern, and open-mindedness. If they are not satisfied, they change doctors.”
Exceptional patients involve themselves in creative activities.
Exceptional patients believe in the power of the mind to overcome disease.
Exceptional patients take charge of their lives and refuse to participate in defeat. They refuse to play victim.
Exceptional patients work hard to achieve health. “ True healing not merely reversal of one particular disease.”
Exceptional patients love themselves and others. They love life and accept the fact they will not live forever.
Exceptional patients work hard to achieve peace of mind. Peace of mind sends the body a “live” message.
Exceptional patients help themselves and others mobilize all resources to fight their disease and heal themselves.
Exceptional patients educate themselves and become experts at their own care.
Exceptional patients demand dignity, personhood and control no matter what course of the disease.
Exceptional patients want to know every detail of their health care: x-ray reports, lab test results, pathology reports and what every number means.
Just Being Alive is Enough
Why do I get to live on and others die? October 2006 two close friends were killed instantly in automobile accidents. Both were my same age. Today another friend is dying of cancer in hospice. I feel lucky to escape the grim reaper but I question why has my life spared? What am I doing with my life and talent right now? Why me Lord? What should I do with my new lease on life?
I remember when I finished surgery, chemo and radiation treatments in 2004 I felt so lucky to be alive. I was musing this same question….What to do with my life now that I successfully fought cancer?
I asked my good friend Lisa. “ Should I join the peace corps and go help somebody on the other side of the world?”
Lisa thought for a moment, then replied, “Doug how about just making a difference in peoples lives here where you live ? You don’t have to join the peace corps.”
What a good idea. How about writing a book and blog about my cancer experience and helping other people who have to either prep for their first colonoscopy of recover from treatments.
I remember a few years ago I had the pleasure of hearing Jimmy Carter speak. I find his life to be very inspirational. I remember to this day one quote from his talk. He said that he was standing on the shoulders of his father, who is standing on the shoulders of his father and so on. Because we have this foundation we can reach much higher than the previous generation.
So to answer the original question, Why Me? Just because. “Nothing personal. Your name just happened to come up.” Therapists call this "survivor guilt." I call it lucky to be alive each day. Just Being Alive is Enough
I remember when I finished surgery, chemo and radiation treatments in 2004 I felt so lucky to be alive. I was musing this same question….What to do with my life now that I successfully fought cancer?
I asked my good friend Lisa. “ Should I join the peace corps and go help somebody on the other side of the world?”
Lisa thought for a moment, then replied, “Doug how about just making a difference in peoples lives here where you live ? You don’t have to join the peace corps.”
What a good idea. How about writing a book and blog about my cancer experience and helping other people who have to either prep for their first colonoscopy of recover from treatments.
I remember a few years ago I had the pleasure of hearing Jimmy Carter speak. I find his life to be very inspirational. I remember to this day one quote from his talk. He said that he was standing on the shoulders of his father, who is standing on the shoulders of his father and so on. Because we have this foundation we can reach much higher than the previous generation.
So to answer the original question, Why Me? Just because. “Nothing personal. Your name just happened to come up.” Therapists call this "survivor guilt." I call it lucky to be alive each day. Just Being Alive is Enough
Friday, May 4, 2007
Semicolon the Art of Healing
Semicolon was written for patients who are diagnosed with colon cancer. I want this book to be a resource to help you and your care-givers to develop plans to fight colon cancer and inspire you to heal completely. I encourage you to not just survive but thrive. My intention is to point the way to healing from the disease so you can continue living a vibrant life.
“Humans must rise above the Earth…to the top of the atmosphere and beyond. For only thus will we understand the world in which we live.” Socrates, 400 BC
I have traveled this road and won the battle. As a Colon Cancer Patient you have the power to heal completely. You will choose the right cancer treatment for your body. During this journey you will discover what needs healing and find the right path and proper pace for your recovery. You will find others who will help you with healing practices during and after your treatment. You have many choices to make during this journey. Remember, “You got the whole world in your hands.”
You Got the Whole World in Your Hands
I remember that familiar song lyric I learned as a kid, “You got the whole world in your hands.” When you attend a planetarium star show you come to realize how vast the universe must be. A universe created by some supreme being. You and I are a part of this universe. We are not alone.
What is healing? Lets start by going to the Internet site of Wikipedia. “Healing is the process whereby the cells in the body regenerate and repair to reduce the size of a damaged area. Healing incorporates both the removal of damage tissue and the replacement of this tissue.”1
In this book I will tell my own story on how I continue to heal after cancer. I focus on physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social healing. I am comfortable asking for help from most anybody. I will point you to sources I found helpful for my treatment and recovery. Many of my friends fighting cancer have stacks of books by their bed as they look for information to help fight their disease and surf the internet looking for new cures.
My Story
I found out I had colon cancer from a routine colonoscopy recommended by my doctor. I had just turned fifty and my primary physical said that we have probed every other area of my body for disease screening time for a full scope or
Colonoscopy. I hired a team of medical doctors, nurses, surgeons, lab technicians and other medical personnel to find and destroy the cancer in my body. Treatment was surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. Diagnosis was October 2003. A surgeon performed an abdominal resection and removed half of my colon one month later. Out of 25 lymph nodes that were removed outside the colon wall and tested them all for cancer. One lymph node was malignant. My Oncologist decided that my colon cancer was staged at level 3. I required six months of chemotherapy and radiation. All medical treatment was complete by June 1, 2004.
I have routine blood tests and CT scans of my throat, chest, and abdomen to check for cancer reoccurrence. I have been free and clear with no signs of cancer for almost three years.
Semicolon
I call myself a semicolon. Why? Because the doctor saved my ass. He removed half of my recum that had cancer. I guess now it really is OK for me to be half-assed. Also I needed a catchy title for my book so I could sell millions of copies of this book.
My story is full of humor since I believe Norman Cousins proved the power of healing through humor. Readers Digest has a joke section called “Laughter is the best medicine.” I have had friends kick my butt to get his book done. Yes I am looking for a publisher.
I am a NERD
Doctors call me a NERD. No Evidence of Reoccurring Disease is what the medical establishment will label me today three years after treatment. I think I am cured. Doctors don’t use that word. For the past twenty years I have been called a NERD because I work with computers. Now I am a NERD because I have no more cancer. I guess you could say I am NERD2.
“Humans must rise above the Earth…to the top of the atmosphere and beyond. For only thus will we understand the world in which we live.” Socrates, 400 BC
I have traveled this road and won the battle. As a Colon Cancer Patient you have the power to heal completely. You will choose the right cancer treatment for your body. During this journey you will discover what needs healing and find the right path and proper pace for your recovery. You will find others who will help you with healing practices during and after your treatment. You have many choices to make during this journey. Remember, “You got the whole world in your hands.”
You Got the Whole World in Your Hands
I remember that familiar song lyric I learned as a kid, “You got the whole world in your hands.” When you attend a planetarium star show you come to realize how vast the universe must be. A universe created by some supreme being. You and I are a part of this universe. We are not alone.
What is healing? Lets start by going to the Internet site of Wikipedia. “Healing is the process whereby the cells in the body regenerate and repair to reduce the size of a damaged area. Healing incorporates both the removal of damage tissue and the replacement of this tissue.”1
In this book I will tell my own story on how I continue to heal after cancer. I focus on physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and social healing. I am comfortable asking for help from most anybody. I will point you to sources I found helpful for my treatment and recovery. Many of my friends fighting cancer have stacks of books by their bed as they look for information to help fight their disease and surf the internet looking for new cures.
My Story
I found out I had colon cancer from a routine colonoscopy recommended by my doctor. I had just turned fifty and my primary physical said that we have probed every other area of my body for disease screening time for a full scope or
Colonoscopy. I hired a team of medical doctors, nurses, surgeons, lab technicians and other medical personnel to find and destroy the cancer in my body. Treatment was surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. Diagnosis was October 2003. A surgeon performed an abdominal resection and removed half of my colon one month later. Out of 25 lymph nodes that were removed outside the colon wall and tested them all for cancer. One lymph node was malignant. My Oncologist decided that my colon cancer was staged at level 3. I required six months of chemotherapy and radiation. All medical treatment was complete by June 1, 2004.
I have routine blood tests and CT scans of my throat, chest, and abdomen to check for cancer reoccurrence. I have been free and clear with no signs of cancer for almost three years.
Semicolon
I call myself a semicolon. Why? Because the doctor saved my ass. He removed half of my recum that had cancer. I guess now it really is OK for me to be half-assed. Also I needed a catchy title for my book so I could sell millions of copies of this book.
My story is full of humor since I believe Norman Cousins proved the power of healing through humor. Readers Digest has a joke section called “Laughter is the best medicine.” I have had friends kick my butt to get his book done. Yes I am looking for a publisher.
I am a NERD
Doctors call me a NERD. No Evidence of Reoccurring Disease is what the medical establishment will label me today three years after treatment. I think I am cured. Doctors don’t use that word. For the past twenty years I have been called a NERD because I work with computers. Now I am a NERD because I have no more cancer. I guess you could say I am NERD2.
You miss 100% the shots you never take
I met Tom in Silicon Valley in 1995. Tom was the Director of Manufacturing at Cisco Systems. He hired me to help coordinate a big computer project. Cisco was growing quickly and their information systems were a disaster. The manufacturing line shut down for one week so the board of directors gave Tom 10 million dollars to build a new ERP system. We had nine months, like the birth of a baby to build a world-wide Oracle Enterprise Resource Planning system.
I helped Tom setup systems and problem solve. I only had one hour each week to meet with him and plan my work. I was really impressed with how Tom made quick decisions and solved problems. Later I found out that Tom was fighting cancer. He was working part-time with the ERP project and getting chemo treatments.
Tom had a great CD music collection and that he played classical guitar. When I met with Tom and we reviewed what I was doing to solve problems, he listened carefully to my report and then said, “Great, make it happen!” I had to find ways to get this ERP project going ASAP. We were hiring computer programmers to write code, planning meetings to decide how to build this world-wide system of ERP. This was fast track everything. Get a computer TODAY for a programmer when it would take purchasing two weeks. I did not have two weeks to wait. So I would lease a computer and have it delivered the next day. I learned from Tom to cut through bureaucracy and get it done. He always backed me up.
Tom sliced through the politics and dramas quickly and helped the team stay on focus. The T shirt you see above is still in my closet. I never knew why I chose to keep this T shirt. Eleven years later, after I fought Colon Cancer and won, now I know why I still keep the T-shirt…. To remember Tom and to thank Wayne Gretzky is a retired Canadian professional ice hockey player who is currently part-owner and head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes.
I helped Tom setup systems and problem solve. I only had one hour each week to meet with him and plan my work. I was really impressed with how Tom made quick decisions and solved problems. Later I found out that Tom was fighting cancer. He was working part-time with the ERP project and getting chemo treatments.
Tom had a great CD music collection and that he played classical guitar. When I met with Tom and we reviewed what I was doing to solve problems, he listened carefully to my report and then said, “Great, make it happen!” I had to find ways to get this ERP project going ASAP. We were hiring computer programmers to write code, planning meetings to decide how to build this world-wide system of ERP. This was fast track everything. Get a computer TODAY for a programmer when it would take purchasing two weeks. I did not have two weeks to wait. So I would lease a computer and have it delivered the next day. I learned from Tom to cut through bureaucracy and get it done. He always backed me up.
Tom sliced through the politics and dramas quickly and helped the team stay on focus. The T shirt you see above is still in my closet. I never knew why I chose to keep this T shirt. Eleven years later, after I fought Colon Cancer and won, now I know why I still keep the T-shirt…. To remember Tom and to thank Wayne Gretzky is a retired Canadian professional ice hockey player who is currently part-owner and head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes.
OOPS! I Pooped in My Pants
When I get out of bed in the morning, I love a good strong cup of coffee. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I jump into my car, drinking coffee and head for the YMCA. Jack’s HI/LO aerobics class starts at 6:30AM. I park the car. Oh no, I have to go number 2.
The two-minute warning.Can I make it to the toilet before I poop in my pants? I squeeze my butt checks as tight as I can, race-walking to the YMCA. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? Rounding the corner I think of the little engine that could, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I climb the steps to the Y. Greet my friends. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? Maybe not. The desk staff swipes my membership card and greets me with “Good morning Mr. Beckstein, how are you?” I quip. “Just fine.”
Round the corner. Now 20 feet to the ground floor men’s room. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? The stall is empty. Hooray. I drop my trousers, sit on the toilet and relax.
Well the beat the clock race walk was partly successful. The feces are now spread around my anus and my underwear is soiled. I wipe much of the poop with toilet paper and decide it’s shower time. Put the soiled underwear back on and jeans. I head for the men’s locker room. Find my locker. Strip down again and throw my jeans into the day locker.
Now I can shower and wash off the rest of the feces. I take my soiled underwear with me to the shower and rinse them out as well.
Do the other guys in the shower think this is gross? I don’t know. I don’t care.
I chit chat in the shower to release my anxiety. I watch the brown water puddle around my feet and then turn clean and go down the drain.
After my shower I decide to relax in the hot Jacuzzi and warm my stiff muscles from yesterday’s hike.
I shave and chat with friends who ask, “Hey, why didn’t to show up for Jack’s class this morning?
We missed you.”
“I pooped in my pants during class and decided to just shower this morning” I said.
“ Oh, how is that colon cancer book coming?” my friend replied.
“Just fine. I said.”
The two-minute warning.Can I make it to the toilet before I poop in my pants? I squeeze my butt checks as tight as I can, race-walking to the YMCA. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? Rounding the corner I think of the little engine that could, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I climb the steps to the Y. Greet my friends. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? Maybe not. The desk staff swipes my membership card and greets me with “Good morning Mr. Beckstein, how are you?” I quip. “Just fine.”
Round the corner. Now 20 feet to the ground floor men’s room. Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze. Can I make it? The stall is empty. Hooray. I drop my trousers, sit on the toilet and relax.
Well the beat the clock race walk was partly successful. The feces are now spread around my anus and my underwear is soiled. I wipe much of the poop with toilet paper and decide it’s shower time. Put the soiled underwear back on and jeans. I head for the men’s locker room. Find my locker. Strip down again and throw my jeans into the day locker.
Now I can shower and wash off the rest of the feces. I take my soiled underwear with me to the shower and rinse them out as well.
Do the other guys in the shower think this is gross? I don’t know. I don’t care.
I chit chat in the shower to release my anxiety. I watch the brown water puddle around my feet and then turn clean and go down the drain.
After my shower I decide to relax in the hot Jacuzzi and warm my stiff muscles from yesterday’s hike.
I shave and chat with friends who ask, “Hey, why didn’t to show up for Jack’s class this morning?
We missed you.”
“I pooped in my pants during class and decided to just shower this morning” I said.
“ Oh, how is that colon cancer book coming?” my friend replied.
“Just fine. I said.”
Skinhead
“Hey Doug why didn’t you lose all your hair and go bald after chemo?” Friends asked me.
“I really don’t know.” I replied.
“Didn’t you have about six months of chemo treatments? They wondered why I still had my hair.
“Cancer patients have different kinds of cancer in different stages so the treatment is really quite different for each patient.” I would muster some kind of response. I just did not lose my hair. I had chemo brain, diarrhea, and sensitivity to hot and cold but some people just look for bald cancer patients.
After all my chemo and radiation treatments were complete, I decided to shave my head. I wanted to experience losing my hair. So many women lose their hair and need to wear a wig.
I have never been bald.
I decided to shave my head bald. I watched black men in the YMCA shave their heads in the locker room. It looked too difficult for me to manage shaving with a mirror image. I worried I could cut off one of my ears.
I chose a barber to do the job. The electric shears removed most of my hair in one minute and I looked like an marine ready for boot camp. Next the barber lathered my head with shaving cream and shaved my head with a straight razor. It cost me twenty bucks and I still have both ears. I left a big tip and all of my hair on the floor.
Oooooooo it is chilly with no hair. I need a baseball cap. Ooooooooo that feels really weird to have a bald head. Like sleeping in bed with no pjs.
Next step was to capture this moment with a digital camera. My shooter friend Rick was recruited for the skinhead shoot. The location was the a High School cement wall.
The skinhead photo shoot was fun. I got to be a tough guy with no hair.
Funny how Samson lost all his power when they cut off all his hair. I no longer have that leather jacket, rusty pipe nor the stained shirt. I do have a memory of being powerful, hair or no hair. I let my hair grow out after the skinhead photo shoot. I got to be a skinhead for a week.
“I really don’t know.” I replied.
“Didn’t you have about six months of chemo treatments? They wondered why I still had my hair.
“Cancer patients have different kinds of cancer in different stages so the treatment is really quite different for each patient.” I would muster some kind of response. I just did not lose my hair. I had chemo brain, diarrhea, and sensitivity to hot and cold but some people just look for bald cancer patients.
After all my chemo and radiation treatments were complete, I decided to shave my head. I wanted to experience losing my hair. So many women lose their hair and need to wear a wig.
I have never been bald.
I decided to shave my head bald. I watched black men in the YMCA shave their heads in the locker room. It looked too difficult for me to manage shaving with a mirror image. I worried I could cut off one of my ears.
I chose a barber to do the job. The electric shears removed most of my hair in one minute and I looked like an marine ready for boot camp. Next the barber lathered my head with shaving cream and shaved my head with a straight razor. It cost me twenty bucks and I still have both ears. I left a big tip and all of my hair on the floor.
Oooooooo it is chilly with no hair. I need a baseball cap. Ooooooooo that feels really weird to have a bald head. Like sleeping in bed with no pjs.
Next step was to capture this moment with a digital camera. My shooter friend Rick was recruited for the skinhead shoot. The location was the a High School cement wall.
The skinhead photo shoot was fun. I got to be a tough guy with no hair.
Funny how Samson lost all his power when they cut off all his hair. I no longer have that leather jacket, rusty pipe nor the stained shirt. I do have a memory of being powerful, hair or no hair. I let my hair grow out after the skinhead photo shoot. I got to be a skinhead for a week.
Colonoscopy Comedy
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
Hot Flashs
I went to a party with several musicians. Mary said hello and I gave her a hug. She then politely excused herself because she was having hot flashes and needed to go outside on the cool deck. I said Mary I get hot flashes too. Let me join you.
One of the chemo drugs really changed my body. I am sure it did a great job killing cancer but after taking this drug three years ago I am still very sensitive to hot and cold. I was warned in writing that one of the side effects of this treatment was being hyper sensitive to hot and cold. If I stepped out of a warm shower and if my body was hit by a cool breeze, I would be freezing. If I would pick up a glass filled with ice water my fingers would feel like high voltage electricity was surging through my fingers.
Today, three years later I still have hot flashes and get chilled and freezing in a mild bay area climate. So I asked Mary how she deals with hot flashes. She explained her solution. We step outside on the deck and cool off. Doesn’t take long to bring our body temperature back to balance. Another friend offer’s us a toke on a joint. We chat about the latest news then we return to the party ready to eat, drink, and be merry.
Today I carry layers of clothing in the trunk of my car and I make adjustments with clothing to be comfortable. My hunch is that this will be my experience for the rest of my life no matter how long it has been since I took Oxyplatin®.
One of the chemo drugs really changed my body. I am sure it did a great job killing cancer but after taking this drug three years ago I am still very sensitive to hot and cold. I was warned in writing that one of the side effects of this treatment was being hyper sensitive to hot and cold. If I stepped out of a warm shower and if my body was hit by a cool breeze, I would be freezing. If I would pick up a glass filled with ice water my fingers would feel like high voltage electricity was surging through my fingers.
Today, three years later I still have hot flashes and get chilled and freezing in a mild bay area climate. So I asked Mary how she deals with hot flashes. She explained her solution. We step outside on the deck and cool off. Doesn’t take long to bring our body temperature back to balance. Another friend offer’s us a toke on a joint. We chat about the latest news then we return to the party ready to eat, drink, and be merry.
Today I carry layers of clothing in the trunk of my car and I make adjustments with clothing to be comfortable. My hunch is that this will be my experience for the rest of my life no matter how long it has been since I took Oxyplatin®.
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