Panic

I came home from work to be greeted by a blinking light on my answering machine. I pressed the button before the door was closed. I recognized the voice right way. My primary care physician’s office manager.

“This is Doctor _____’s office. The doctor would like you to call him back as soon as possible.”Then she left the phone number.

Damn! What is wrong? I thought. Why is my doctor calling me. I just got those blood tests for lipids. He would not call just for high colesteral. I also had blood work done to prepare for my regular checkup of a CT scan of my throat, abdomen and pelvis which are scheduled for next Monday. Hummmm.

My heart started pounding and I played the message again trying to write down the office number. Found my phone and dialed the number. Wrong number. I played the message again. Dialed again. Wrong number.

Why can’t people speak louder and slower when they leave phone numbers? Now I am irritated and scared at the same time, impatient to get the news yet dreading the message I was going to receive.

I dialed the phone a third time. Busy! My anxiety is rising even more. My fourth attempt to reach my doctor was successful. The office staff put me through immediately.

The doctor reported that my CEA test result was 3.6 and normal is 3.0. He was concerned about this cea reading and said he consulted with my oncologist. They both agreed that the CEA test must be redone in six weeks. I replied that my CT tests would be next week on Monday and that I have scheduled an oncologist followup office visit a few days after my CT scan so the results can go to my oncologist. We will review the CEA blood tests and CT test result in about ten days.

“Good he said. We are not exactly sure what this test result means right now. Your oncologist will discuss this with you.”

I hung up the phone. My head spinning. What is a CEA test again? My dog is telling me she REALLY has to go outside. I grab my cellphone and dog leash and leave the building. As Sally is sniffing and peeing on green grass and pooping in high weeds, I dial my friend Lior. Her number is set for speed dial since I usually drive her to my writing group. “Please, please, answer” I pray then a deep voice says “Hello?”

“Hi this is Doug, I am a friend of your mom, is this the right number?

“Yeah, it is. I’m her son.”
He could sing bass I thought. Then I asked, “How was Alaska?”

My friend had told me how proud she was that he was doing a fundraising event skiing in a competition in Alaska.”

“It was really cold there but I finished the course on hour earlier than last year.”

“Fantastic. You can be proud of that accomplishment! Can I speak to your mom?”

“Sure. She just walked in the door from work.”

I was so relieved she was home and that we could talk. Sally my dog was greatly relieved too. Sally was marking territory in my neighborhood as I talked to my friend.

“How are you?” she inquired.

“I’m a little worried. I got CEA test results of 3.6 and normal is 3.0 Now I am afraid my cancer is coming back again.”

She paused to try to understand my speed rapping. Sally is pulling me down the sidewalk with much enthusiaum. I am shouting into the cellphone then I lose my connection.

Redial. Busy.

Slow down Doug I thought. Collect your thoughts and stop walking Sally as you redial. My friend answers the phone.

“Hey slow down. What is a CEA test?” she querried.

“I don’t remember exactly. I think it is a cancer marker. I had them all through my treatment and each time I asked my oncologist or radiologist they said my results were in a acceptable range.” There. I got a chance to tell my story to a friend who too is fighting cancer. She understands the anxiety test results bring to cancer survivors.

I ask how she is doing and I get the latest news. We decide I will pick her up for writing group this week. I thanked her for the support. I promised I would be writing about this.

Worry Cycle Drama
I have been down this path before. Time for some self care. First of all I want a beer. No beer in my studio. I want wine. Nope. I decide not to go to the liquior store. Sally and I return to my studio.

My friend Robin calls. I tell her my news that I am worried about cancer reoccurance and the CEA test results.

“I’m sorry Doug, What is a CEA test?” she asked.
“I don’t know Robin.” We caught up on the latest news and I said goodnight.

What do I do now I wondered?

Lay down and play a relaxation tape. NO. Time to pamper myself.

Took a long hot shower. Got in my robe and jammies and those fuzzy slippers I got from Pat.

Lit a scented candle I got from Lorraine.

Made a salad with hot peppermint and green tea. Watched a comedy. It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world. Now I need rest.

A good night’s sleep in my comfy bed under a fluffy down comforter. Tomorrow I will google “CEA lab tests” and learn more about what to do and what to ask the doctors.

I get a good night sleep.