Yesterday, I enjoyed a wonderful Sunday brunch with Barbara. We planned our day and decided to attend an outdoor theater event in Berkeley.
We both made numerous trips back and forth from the house to the car loading our provisions for a picnic: sunscreen, water, picnic lunch, ice chest, etc. At one point I pooped in my pants then off to the bathroom. As I sat on the john I planned my next steps.
"Barbara, could you bring my suitcase back in the house please?" I yelled.
She came down the hall and asked. "Sure, I can get it. What's going on?"
"I pooped in my pants and I need some anti-diarrhea pills" I answered.
"I am sorry. How many pills do you need?" She inquired.
"Two." I answered back. "Will you help me with this mess?"
Barbara showed me the cleaning supplies in her bathroom and then opened the pill blister pack then brought me a glass of water.
"Do you want to step into the shower and clean yourself?" Barbara posed as she handed me a glass of water and two pills to swallow.
"Thanks" I replied feeling very supported. I took my medicine as Barbara handed me a towel.
"Doug you aren't the only one who poops in their pants" Barbara announced. "I read your blog about the bowel control issues and I just want you to know that it happens to me too. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I have bowel control issues too. Changes in routine effects me too. You need to talk about it sweetie. This is normal."
"Thanks for reminding me. I forgot again that I'm not the only one who has poopy pants." I responded as I began to clean the toilet and rinse my underwear in the sink.
It has been three years now since the doctor removed half my colon. My body has healed but now I do not have the reservoir to hold stool. I don't get the message that I have to poop until the last minute so I still poop in my pants and still feel a bit ashamed.
"Did I pack and second pair of underwear in my suitcase?" I asked.
"No, I don't see any" Barbara answered.
I stepped into the shower, changed my attitude and washed away that poopy pants problem. I was going on a picnic with Barbara it is time to have fun. We had a great time in the park seeing a theatre production with friends.
Later that evening Barbara returned to Santa Cruz but required three stops to use the restroom on the way home. Same problem as I had in the morning. Barbara determined that it was the yummy Sunday brunch was the cause.
I am so glad I am able to talk about this when it happens. I feel so accepted by Barbara. I am a lucky guy to have a lady in my life who is so understanding!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Lloyd's Bruise
“Lloyd How are you?” I asked as I opened the door to the men’s locker room at the Oakland YMCA.
“I fell on my butt when I hit a rock skiing at Squaw Valley yesterday” Lloyd said. He dropped his gym bag and pulled down his pants. One cheek that had a black and blue bruise.
Lloyd had no shame. The door of the men’s locker room was ajar when I saw his butt cheek. Women were entering their locker room a few feet away this didn’t disturb Lloyd.
“Look at this Lloyd!” I pulled down my pants to reveal my 9-inch incision from my abdominal surgery. Not to be outdone by Lloyd. We blocked the door to the men's locker room.
This was dueling scars. Injury and story. We entered the locker room to catch up on our lives. I hadn't seen Lloyd for weeks.
“So you come to the Y to sit in the Jacuzzi for your butt bruise? That looks painful!" I commented.
“Not to bad. It only hurts if I sit down. I will do some stretching and swim a few laps to ease my tight muscles.” Lloyd replied. "then the Jacuzzi."
“How did you get that scar, Doug?” Lloyd inquired. He hung his street clothes in a locker and put on a Speedo swimsuit.
“Colon cancer, stage three, diagnosis was October, abdominal resection after Halloween then six weeks recovery.” I replied as I checked out my locker to find clean white socks to wear. The words just tumbled out of my mouth.
“Did the surgeon remove all the cancer? Lloyd asked as he weighted himself on the scale.
You could see the bones through the skin on Lloyd's body. He just weights himself for fun.
“Yes, now I have six months of chemo and radiation treatments.” I replied trying to be as casual about the next phase of my cancer treatment. Telling the story took some of the sting out of it.
“You’ll do fine Doug. I have many friends who have beaten cancer. You are a fighter plus you have a positive attitude. That will get you through. I will say a prayer for your speedy recovery.” Lloyd walked to the showers and turned the corner and was gone.
I paused a few minutes. I realized it was great to be back at the YMCA again to see my friends. I sat starring at my locker and realized how lucky I was to be alive.
“What’s the story on that scar?” Henry asked as he spun the tumblers of his combination lock. "Haven't seen you around the Y for a few weeks." Seven AM. Henry is right on time.
“I had surgery six weeks ago.” I replied. Didn't want to tell the whole story again.
“You be careful and go easy. Don’t hurt yourself.” Henry advised. Henry was 70. The man was known for the best Gumbo in Oakland and his band played great zydaco music.
“It is going to take a while to rebuild my adnominal muscles. Think I will swim a few laps in the pool with Lloyd.” I thought out loud.Lloyd was amazing. He was 85 years old and he still alpine skis, windsurfs, lifts weights and God knows what else.
Henry carried his shaving kit to the mirrors for his morning shave. Henry and his buddies lined up and shaved together every morning. They chatted about grand children and sports.
“Yes, someday when I grow up I want to be just like Lloyd.” I said walking toward the pool.
“I fell on my butt when I hit a rock skiing at Squaw Valley yesterday” Lloyd said. He dropped his gym bag and pulled down his pants. One cheek that had a black and blue bruise.
Lloyd had no shame. The door of the men’s locker room was ajar when I saw his butt cheek. Women were entering their locker room a few feet away this didn’t disturb Lloyd.
“Look at this Lloyd!” I pulled down my pants to reveal my 9-inch incision from my abdominal surgery. Not to be outdone by Lloyd. We blocked the door to the men's locker room.
This was dueling scars. Injury and story. We entered the locker room to catch up on our lives. I hadn't seen Lloyd for weeks.
“So you come to the Y to sit in the Jacuzzi for your butt bruise? That looks painful!" I commented.
“Not to bad. It only hurts if I sit down. I will do some stretching and swim a few laps to ease my tight muscles.” Lloyd replied. "then the Jacuzzi."
“How did you get that scar, Doug?” Lloyd inquired. He hung his street clothes in a locker and put on a Speedo swimsuit.
“Colon cancer, stage three, diagnosis was October, abdominal resection after Halloween then six weeks recovery.” I replied as I checked out my locker to find clean white socks to wear. The words just tumbled out of my mouth.
“Did the surgeon remove all the cancer? Lloyd asked as he weighted himself on the scale.
You could see the bones through the skin on Lloyd's body. He just weights himself for fun.
“Yes, now I have six months of chemo and radiation treatments.” I replied trying to be as casual about the next phase of my cancer treatment. Telling the story took some of the sting out of it.
“You’ll do fine Doug. I have many friends who have beaten cancer. You are a fighter plus you have a positive attitude. That will get you through. I will say a prayer for your speedy recovery.” Lloyd walked to the showers and turned the corner and was gone.
I paused a few minutes. I realized it was great to be back at the YMCA again to see my friends. I sat starring at my locker and realized how lucky I was to be alive.
“What’s the story on that scar?” Henry asked as he spun the tumblers of his combination lock. "Haven't seen you around the Y for a few weeks." Seven AM. Henry is right on time.
“I had surgery six weeks ago.” I replied. Didn't want to tell the whole story again.
“You be careful and go easy. Don’t hurt yourself.” Henry advised. Henry was 70. The man was known for the best Gumbo in Oakland and his band played great zydaco music.
“It is going to take a while to rebuild my adnominal muscles. Think I will swim a few laps in the pool with Lloyd.” I thought out loud.Lloyd was amazing. He was 85 years old and he still alpine skis, windsurfs, lifts weights and God knows what else.
Henry carried his shaving kit to the mirrors for his morning shave. Henry and his buddies lined up and shaved together every morning. They chatted about grand children and sports.
“Yes, someday when I grow up I want to be just like Lloyd.” I said walking toward the pool.
Friday, June 29, 2007
My Hiking Buddy
“Would you like to go for a hike after breakfast? I asked Lisa and Nigel sipping coffee on the deck next to the restaurant.
“Maybe.” Nigel replied.
“I’m getting a massage at 9.” Lisa noted looking at her schedule for the day.
“How was yoga class this morning?” I asked the dynamic duo.
“Great.” They both replied in unison. Lisa and Nigel were often joined at the hip.
The waiter named Sky brought our breakfast. We visit this old hippie resort on an annual basis. Massage and soaking in hot tubs and nude sunbathing are the norm. There are workshops on Tantra Sex and some new therapy unknown to me.
“After breakfast I am going to take my chemo pills and then go for a hike.” I announced.
“Really. Doug do you normally hike after your morning chemo treatments?” Nigel asked. He is a college professor with an inquiring mind.
“Never.” I reported. “Nigel, I want you with me so I don’t get lost.”
“Yes, I will be there by your side.” Nigel promised.
The buddy system has worked for me over the years. I had a buddy at summer camp when I was 11. I have a buddy when I scuba dive and when I hike. I have a buddy with me on any adventure. Why not a buddy for a chemo treatment? I took Nigel on a rafting trip on my 49th birthday and he took me cross country skiing in the mountains.
Nigel and I put on sunscreen, hiking shorts, hiking shoes and a sun hat. I took my dose and started walking up the trail. This was a Timothy Leary hike. A steady slow climb through the trees.
I watched my feet to be sure I did not trip on an exposed root but I was tripping. The forest looked electric. Light sparkled through the canopy of leaves. Maybe we walked one mile.
“How ya doing Doug? Everything OK?” Nigel inquired. He was watching me closely.
“Great. This is as far as I can go. Let’s head back.” I requested.
"Nigel." I asked.
"What" he replied looking at me.
"Are there wild turkeys in this forest or am I just seeing things?" I asked.
"Yes Doug a gaggle of turkeys have been following us on this hike." Nigel observed.
"Good because I thought the chemo was just creating that vision." I shared.
The return trip was casual. Doing my chemo treatments in that kind of environment was wonderful since I was pampering myself. Massage, sun bathing, hot pools, visiting with friends, falling asleep to the sound of a babbling stream and frogs singing in the night.
This was really a good trip.
“Maybe.” Nigel replied.
“I’m getting a massage at 9.” Lisa noted looking at her schedule for the day.
“How was yoga class this morning?” I asked the dynamic duo.
“Great.” They both replied in unison. Lisa and Nigel were often joined at the hip.
The waiter named Sky brought our breakfast. We visit this old hippie resort on an annual basis. Massage and soaking in hot tubs and nude sunbathing are the norm. There are workshops on Tantra Sex and some new therapy unknown to me.
“After breakfast I am going to take my chemo pills and then go for a hike.” I announced.
“Really. Doug do you normally hike after your morning chemo treatments?” Nigel asked. He is a college professor with an inquiring mind.
“Never.” I reported. “Nigel, I want you with me so I don’t get lost.”
“Yes, I will be there by your side.” Nigel promised.
The buddy system has worked for me over the years. I had a buddy at summer camp when I was 11. I have a buddy when I scuba dive and when I hike. I have a buddy with me on any adventure. Why not a buddy for a chemo treatment? I took Nigel on a rafting trip on my 49th birthday and he took me cross country skiing in the mountains.
Nigel and I put on sunscreen, hiking shorts, hiking shoes and a sun hat. I took my dose and started walking up the trail. This was a Timothy Leary hike. A steady slow climb through the trees.
I watched my feet to be sure I did not trip on an exposed root but I was tripping. The forest looked electric. Light sparkled through the canopy of leaves. Maybe we walked one mile.
“How ya doing Doug? Everything OK?” Nigel inquired. He was watching me closely.
“Great. This is as far as I can go. Let’s head back.” I requested.
"Nigel." I asked.
"What" he replied looking at me.
"Are there wild turkeys in this forest or am I just seeing things?" I asked.
"Yes Doug a gaggle of turkeys have been following us on this hike." Nigel observed.
"Good because I thought the chemo was just creating that vision." I shared.
The return trip was casual. Doing my chemo treatments in that kind of environment was wonderful since I was pampering myself. Massage, sun bathing, hot pools, visiting with friends, falling asleep to the sound of a babbling stream and frogs singing in the night.
This was really a good trip.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Live Man Walking
“Are you awake Mr. Beckstein? The nurse asked me as she wrote down my vital signs in my chart. She saw I was not too keen on exercise.
“Yes, what time is it?” I asked. I could not see the clock on the wall. I took out my contacts before surgery. Two days after my abdominal resection procedure. Still no contacts.
“It is TIME for you to WALK, Mr. Beckstein. “She replied with the authority of a Supreme Court justice.
“The best thing for you to do Mr. Beckstein is to walk after surgery but your body is ANGRY!” The nurse continued with a scrunched up face trying to look angry.
My nurse unplugged the electronic gizmos but left my morphine IV. I was to walk for the first time. My blanket was moved as I made an attempt to scoot my heavy butt by using every single muscle EXCEPT my abdomenal muscles. I stared at the ceiling and tried to use my legs to move my butt.
“OOH I moaned as I tried to move with no pain. It is going to hurt but do it anyway I thought to myself. The nurse waited patiently as I inched slowly to the edge of my hospital bed. My nurse continued her “why you need to walk” pep talk.
“Mr. Beckstein after surgery your body goes into shock and is slow to start functioning again.” The nurse continued.
“Tell me more” I replied. I liked the pep talk and was glad to get more info about what is “normal” for patients after this surgery.
The nurse had that face again. “Your body is waiting for another attack like that surgery. I call it angry. When you walk you are telling your body It’s OK to start to move again. I want you to set a goal to walk FIVE times today.” the nurse commanded.
I made a mental note... walk five times today.
The nurse grabbed both of my hands and helped pull me to an upright sitting position on my bed. I am light headed. We pause a moment.
Next I wrapped one arm over my nurses neck as she lifted me onto my feet as I used my wobbly legs to lift my body. I think I weighted 8000 pounds that day. OK. I am standing. Now I must shuffle for 30 feet with blue hospital slippers pushing my IV cart. Hey this is fun.
Do you remember the Jackie Chan Kung Foo movies with the fight scenes in slow motion? That’s me but I have a nurse holding me steady with one arm and morphine IV in the other arm. This is a different fight than Jackie Chan. I had to walk with a 9-inch incision in my belly and staples to hold me together.
“Mr. Beckstein, the more you walk the quicker you leave the hospital.” The nurse stated.
“I hear your encouragement and I want to walk I really do, but morphine messages floated into my brain.
You know I've smoked a lot of grass
O' Lord, I've popped a lot of pills
But I never touched nothin'
That my spirit could kill
You know, I've seen a lot of people walkin' 'round
With tombstones in their eyes
But the pusher don't care
Ah, if you live or if you die
God damn, The Pusher
God damn, I say The Pusher
I said God damn, God damn The Pusher man
Don’t get me wrong. I am glad to be pain free. Morphine just took away my motivation to exercise or do anything. I shuffled five more feet then looked at my nurse. I know she is proud of me just to get out of that hospital bed. I was proud just to walk by myself and push my IV cart.
“OK lets turn around and return to your bed.” The nurse advised.
“I have to turn around now? Great I was doing so well in this direction." I replied.
A few nurses arrived to help by circling around me as I tried to turn 180 degrees. The nurses closed in to avoid me from falling. This maneuver is like a team of tugboats moving an aircraft carrier into port. OK my body is pointed home to my bed. I did make my return trip.
Thanks to the nurses I did complete my five walks that day and was able to stop morphine the next day. I left the hospital after six days.
The real turning point for me to start recovering from abdominal resection surgery was walking.
I am very grateful that nurse gave me that "lets go for a walk" pep talk.
“Yes, what time is it?” I asked. I could not see the clock on the wall. I took out my contacts before surgery. Two days after my abdominal resection procedure. Still no contacts.
“It is TIME for you to WALK, Mr. Beckstein. “She replied with the authority of a Supreme Court justice.
“The best thing for you to do Mr. Beckstein is to walk after surgery but your body is ANGRY!” The nurse continued with a scrunched up face trying to look angry.
My nurse unplugged the electronic gizmos but left my morphine IV. I was to walk for the first time. My blanket was moved as I made an attempt to scoot my heavy butt by using every single muscle EXCEPT my abdomenal muscles. I stared at the ceiling and tried to use my legs to move my butt.
“OOH I moaned as I tried to move with no pain. It is going to hurt but do it anyway I thought to myself. The nurse waited patiently as I inched slowly to the edge of my hospital bed. My nurse continued her “why you need to walk” pep talk.
“Mr. Beckstein after surgery your body goes into shock and is slow to start functioning again.” The nurse continued.
“Tell me more” I replied. I liked the pep talk and was glad to get more info about what is “normal” for patients after this surgery.
The nurse had that face again. “Your body is waiting for another attack like that surgery. I call it angry. When you walk you are telling your body It’s OK to start to move again. I want you to set a goal to walk FIVE times today.” the nurse commanded.
I made a mental note... walk five times today.
The nurse grabbed both of my hands and helped pull me to an upright sitting position on my bed. I am light headed. We pause a moment.
Next I wrapped one arm over my nurses neck as she lifted me onto my feet as I used my wobbly legs to lift my body. I think I weighted 8000 pounds that day. OK. I am standing. Now I must shuffle for 30 feet with blue hospital slippers pushing my IV cart. Hey this is fun.
Do you remember the Jackie Chan Kung Foo movies with the fight scenes in slow motion? That’s me but I have a nurse holding me steady with one arm and morphine IV in the other arm. This is a different fight than Jackie Chan. I had to walk with a 9-inch incision in my belly and staples to hold me together.
“Mr. Beckstein, the more you walk the quicker you leave the hospital.” The nurse stated.
“I hear your encouragement and I want to walk I really do, but morphine messages floated into my brain.
You know I've smoked a lot of grass
O' Lord, I've popped a lot of pills
But I never touched nothin'
That my spirit could kill
You know, I've seen a lot of people walkin' 'round
With tombstones in their eyes
But the pusher don't care
Ah, if you live or if you die
God damn, The Pusher
God damn, I say The Pusher
I said God damn, God damn The Pusher man
Don’t get me wrong. I am glad to be pain free. Morphine just took away my motivation to exercise or do anything. I shuffled five more feet then looked at my nurse. I know she is proud of me just to get out of that hospital bed. I was proud just to walk by myself and push my IV cart.
“OK lets turn around and return to your bed.” The nurse advised.
“I have to turn around now? Great I was doing so well in this direction." I replied.
A few nurses arrived to help by circling around me as I tried to turn 180 degrees. The nurses closed in to avoid me from falling. This maneuver is like a team of tugboats moving an aircraft carrier into port. OK my body is pointed home to my bed. I did make my return trip.
Thanks to the nurses I did complete my five walks that day and was able to stop morphine the next day. I left the hospital after six days.
The real turning point for me to start recovering from abdominal resection surgery was walking.
I am very grateful that nurse gave me that "lets go for a walk" pep talk.
Dreaming of My Friend Rona Wells
I tried one chemo treatment at the Chabot Space Center located in the Oakland Hills. I ate dinner with my roommates then drove to the Chabot Space Center, parked my car, bought a ticket and found a water fountain. I swallowed my one Xeloda pill then sat in the planetarium to wait for the effects.
My evening chemo dose was like a toke of pot or being mildly drunk. Same buzz to me. A star show at a planetarium was a great place to do a chemo treatment. My dose was mild and I could predict side effects.
I felt the gentle rush of the chemo. My body relaxed as the lights dimmed in the planetarium. Stars filled the dome. I slouched in the chair and stared at the ceiling. I listened to a smooth voice telling me a story about the night sky.
The smooth voice asked the audience to please exit the theatre. We were invited to the roof to look at the stars through telescopes. I floated for four hours as my chemo went to work. I killed cancer cells and was entertained at the same time. Cool.
Some chemo experiences were transformational for me. Sometimes my spirit left my body and then came back. As I looked at the night sky through a telescope I felt my spirit merging with other spirits. I had a sense of deep peace. Many chemo treatments were like dying then coming back to life.
My good friend's mom, Rona Wells had just died from cancer. She was given six months to live by her doctors. She lived four years. I had a few chances to talk with her before she died. I remember eating lamb chops in her home when I was not sure what I could eat because of chemo and nausia. Rona's kitchen was filled with her family and one guest, me. That was the last time I saw Rona.
As I looked at the stars Chabot Space Center I felt her spiritual presence. Rona was at peace and I felt her peace. This experience prepared me for her memorial service the following day. Her family and friends told a stories how she inspired them as she fought cancer. I said nothing at the service just held my friends as they wept in my arms. I will never forget her...
Stars shining bright above you
night breezes seem to whisper
I love you
Birds singin' in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me.
Say "nighty night" and kiss me
just hold me tight and tell me
you'll miss me.
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me.
My evening chemo dose was like a toke of pot or being mildly drunk. Same buzz to me. A star show at a planetarium was a great place to do a chemo treatment. My dose was mild and I could predict side effects.
I felt the gentle rush of the chemo. My body relaxed as the lights dimmed in the planetarium. Stars filled the dome. I slouched in the chair and stared at the ceiling. I listened to a smooth voice telling me a story about the night sky.
The smooth voice asked the audience to please exit the theatre. We were invited to the roof to look at the stars through telescopes. I floated for four hours as my chemo went to work. I killed cancer cells and was entertained at the same time. Cool.
Some chemo experiences were transformational for me. Sometimes my spirit left my body and then came back. As I looked at the night sky through a telescope I felt my spirit merging with other spirits. I had a sense of deep peace. Many chemo treatments were like dying then coming back to life.
My good friend's mom, Rona Wells had just died from cancer. She was given six months to live by her doctors. She lived four years. I had a few chances to talk with her before she died. I remember eating lamb chops in her home when I was not sure what I could eat because of chemo and nausia. Rona's kitchen was filled with her family and one guest, me. That was the last time I saw Rona.
As I looked at the stars Chabot Space Center I felt her spiritual presence. Rona was at peace and I felt her peace. This experience prepared me for her memorial service the following day. Her family and friends told a stories how she inspired them as she fought cancer. I said nothing at the service just held my friends as they wept in my arms. I will never forget her...
Stars shining bright above you
night breezes seem to whisper
I love you
Birds singin' in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me.
Say "nighty night" and kiss me
just hold me tight and tell me
you'll miss me.
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Where is Sharon?
Where is Sharon? I thought to myself. I was sitting in a teak chair on the patio of the Boulder Country Club watching golfers finish their last putt at the 18th hole. The sun warmed the brown grass of the foothills. A gentle breeze kissed my skin.
I sipped a cold beer and watched the catering staff present the latest California cuisine. I remember portion control from this week’s weight watcher’s meeting. I sat in chair to wait for Sharon to arrive.
“Would you like one of these, Sir?” the young woman asked politely?
“Thank you very much. Please tell the cook the food is wonderful.” I replied looking through sunglasses and putting one piece of shrimp on my small black plastic plate. I took a black napkin with the country club logo.
No sense launching into the “Don’t call me Sir” lecture. Being called “Sir” just pushes another button about getting old. I skipped the lecture for the server.
Where is Sharon? I thought to myself.
I offered my teak chair to an elderly woman and slithered through the crowd trying to look cool. I was wearing a white shirt open collar, black pants and black shoes. I remembered to wear black for a memorial service for Mike. He was only 22 when he died from a brain tumor. Mike’s family had two memorial services. One in Texas one in California.
Mike had two passions in his life: baseball and his wife. He wanted his family and friends to remember him when he was vibrant and healthy. Before he died he said. “There’s no crying in baseball so don’t cry for me.”
As I searched for Sharon in the crowd I ate a tiny chicken sandwich, grilled veggies with Thai peanut sauce, pieces of cheese all with the “portion control” weight watchers mantra playing in my head. I squeezed through the crowd trying not to spill Thai peanut sauce on my white shirt. This is all about me looking good at the country club.
Where is Sharon? I thought to myself.
“Excuse me do you seen Sharon here anywhere?” I asked one of the guests.
“No but there is Sharon’s mom at that table right there.” A young woman replied nodding her head toward a nearby table.
I walked over to meet Sharon’s mom. She wanted to know how I met Sharon and I gave her a brief outline of our friendship. I met everyone at the table and we talked about the weather and how bad the traffic is in the bay area. I said farewell and headed for the bar to get a cold bottled water for the commute home. I had given up my hope of seeing Sharon.
“There you are Doug. Thank you so much for coming today. How are you? “ Sharon asked.
“Hello!” I exclaimed as I gave her a hug. “I like your hair cut short”
“Thanks, this is my Texas cut. It has to be short. It’s very hot in Texas” She replied. “Let me introduce you to some of my friends.”
I shook hands and met two women who worked with Sharon. Now they are young moms each with a new baby. We all agreed that babies are wonderful. I slipped away from the two moms and found Sharon alone for a nanosecond.
“Sharon, how are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m am really glad you are here Doug. I am doing OK. Over the past few months Mike moved into hospice after the doctors gave up their medical treatments. The brain tumor kept growing and Mike slowly lost body functions. I asked Mike, Are you ready to go yet? He said No. A part of me wanted to hold on to Mike and never let my son go and another part of me wanted to let him pass away and be released from this world. It was a horrible way to die.”
There was a pause in her story as we watched the sunset. The two mothers had joined our conversation as we listened to Sharon’s experience.
“I was there when Mike was born and he entered this world and I held his hand when he died and left this world. After Mike died and I returned to his home I realized he was never coming back home. His house seemed so empty. I never realized how big Mike's spirit was until he died.”
I sipped a cold beer and watched the catering staff present the latest California cuisine. I remember portion control from this week’s weight watcher’s meeting. I sat in chair to wait for Sharon to arrive.
“Would you like one of these, Sir?” the young woman asked politely?
“Thank you very much. Please tell the cook the food is wonderful.” I replied looking through sunglasses and putting one piece of shrimp on my small black plastic plate. I took a black napkin with the country club logo.
No sense launching into the “Don’t call me Sir” lecture. Being called “Sir” just pushes another button about getting old. I skipped the lecture for the server.
Where is Sharon? I thought to myself.
I offered my teak chair to an elderly woman and slithered through the crowd trying to look cool. I was wearing a white shirt open collar, black pants and black shoes. I remembered to wear black for a memorial service for Mike. He was only 22 when he died from a brain tumor. Mike’s family had two memorial services. One in Texas one in California.
Mike had two passions in his life: baseball and his wife. He wanted his family and friends to remember him when he was vibrant and healthy. Before he died he said. “There’s no crying in baseball so don’t cry for me.”
As I searched for Sharon in the crowd I ate a tiny chicken sandwich, grilled veggies with Thai peanut sauce, pieces of cheese all with the “portion control” weight watchers mantra playing in my head. I squeezed through the crowd trying not to spill Thai peanut sauce on my white shirt. This is all about me looking good at the country club.
Where is Sharon? I thought to myself.
“Excuse me do you seen Sharon here anywhere?” I asked one of the guests.
“No but there is Sharon’s mom at that table right there.” A young woman replied nodding her head toward a nearby table.
I walked over to meet Sharon’s mom. She wanted to know how I met Sharon and I gave her a brief outline of our friendship. I met everyone at the table and we talked about the weather and how bad the traffic is in the bay area. I said farewell and headed for the bar to get a cold bottled water for the commute home. I had given up my hope of seeing Sharon.
“There you are Doug. Thank you so much for coming today. How are you? “ Sharon asked.
“Hello!” I exclaimed as I gave her a hug. “I like your hair cut short”
“Thanks, this is my Texas cut. It has to be short. It’s very hot in Texas” She replied. “Let me introduce you to some of my friends.”
I shook hands and met two women who worked with Sharon. Now they are young moms each with a new baby. We all agreed that babies are wonderful. I slipped away from the two moms and found Sharon alone for a nanosecond.
“Sharon, how are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m am really glad you are here Doug. I am doing OK. Over the past few months Mike moved into hospice after the doctors gave up their medical treatments. The brain tumor kept growing and Mike slowly lost body functions. I asked Mike, Are you ready to go yet? He said No. A part of me wanted to hold on to Mike and never let my son go and another part of me wanted to let him pass away and be released from this world. It was a horrible way to die.”
There was a pause in her story as we watched the sunset. The two mothers had joined our conversation as we listened to Sharon’s experience.
“I was there when Mike was born and he entered this world and I held his hand when he died and left this world. After Mike died and I returned to his home I realized he was never coming back home. His house seemed so empty. I never realized how big Mike's spirit was until he died.”
Friday, June 15, 2007
I am done?
Staging my radiation treatments was easy. I laid facedown on a table as the x-ray technician’s tattooed a plus sign on the side of each hip and one above the crack of my butt. A laser light pointed to my tattoos to verify my body was in the exact position for my treatment.
“How many radiation treatments will I get?” I asked Fernando my technician.
“Twenty-five” he replied promptly looking at my chart.
“Will it hurt?” I asked.
“You will have to talk to the doctor about that.” Fernando replied.
“How long will each treatment take?” I asked questions face down on the table so my body moved a bit and the laser could not lock in to my tatoo marks on my hips.
“Mr. Beckstein PLEASE remain as still as possible when we do your treatments.” Fernando advised. “I will be directing the radiation around your colon so we can kill any stray cancer cells. If you move during the treatment other parts of your body get treated. Will you please not squirm around on the table?”
"Got it Fernando" I replied my face buried facing the treatment table.
I never moved during my 25 treatments. Fry my colon I don’t care but please nothing else. I closed my eyes as the radiation device hovered over my back. Fernando played latin music on his boom box. Fernando peeked thru the window behind the thick wall so he was protected from the radiation. I prayed to God to let me keep living.
After 25 treatments my body got zapped with the equilivant of 10,000 chest x-rays all focused on my colon. Today I am free and clear of colon cancer for three years. The treatment worked. No evidence of reoccurring disease. I am still alive thank God.
Did it hurt you ask? At first my back felt warm like sunburn after the first treatments. Later treatments gave me a dull pain in my back like someone punched me in the kidneys. A heating pad was a great way to heal my lower back and mild pain meds took away any pain.
After my last treatment I asked Fernando, “How do you know I am done with all these radiation treatments? Do you have one of those probes like you see in turkeys that pop out when they are done.”
Fernando smiled and looked at me over his reading glasses and shook his head.
"No Doug you must be confused again. You are not a turkey. This is your last radiation treatment. You can get back into your street clothes now."
This was his last day working for my doctor and the last day to hear my dumb questions. I think Fernando is selling real estate now.
“How many radiation treatments will I get?” I asked Fernando my technician.
“Twenty-five” he replied promptly looking at my chart.
“Will it hurt?” I asked.
“You will have to talk to the doctor about that.” Fernando replied.
“How long will each treatment take?” I asked questions face down on the table so my body moved a bit and the laser could not lock in to my tatoo marks on my hips.
“Mr. Beckstein PLEASE remain as still as possible when we do your treatments.” Fernando advised. “I will be directing the radiation around your colon so we can kill any stray cancer cells. If you move during the treatment other parts of your body get treated. Will you please not squirm around on the table?”
"Got it Fernando" I replied my face buried facing the treatment table.
I never moved during my 25 treatments. Fry my colon I don’t care but please nothing else. I closed my eyes as the radiation device hovered over my back. Fernando played latin music on his boom box. Fernando peeked thru the window behind the thick wall so he was protected from the radiation. I prayed to God to let me keep living.
After 25 treatments my body got zapped with the equilivant of 10,000 chest x-rays all focused on my colon. Today I am free and clear of colon cancer for three years. The treatment worked. No evidence of reoccurring disease. I am still alive thank God.
Did it hurt you ask? At first my back felt warm like sunburn after the first treatments. Later treatments gave me a dull pain in my back like someone punched me in the kidneys. A heating pad was a great way to heal my lower back and mild pain meds took away any pain.
After my last treatment I asked Fernando, “How do you know I am done with all these radiation treatments? Do you have one of those probes like you see in turkeys that pop out when they are done.”
Fernando smiled and looked at me over his reading glasses and shook his head.
"No Doug you must be confused again. You are not a turkey. This is your last radiation treatment. You can get back into your street clothes now."
This was his last day working for my doctor and the last day to hear my dumb questions. I think Fernando is selling real estate now.
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