The Riptide of Cancer

When the doctor gave me a piece of paper with “Cancer” written on it and handed it to me and told me to go get an abdominal resection but probably would not need a colostomy bag, I went into shock.

I felt like I was falling down a big well with nothing to hold for safety. Falling and spinning and lost. Solid ground was a thing of the past. Out of control. I like pretending to be in control. Only an illusion.

My hands were sweaty on the steering wheel as I recklessly drove home alone and mind racing. My body was numb. I just got my diagnosis of colon cancer. Oct 2003.

I have cancer! I have cancer? What am I going to do? Maybe the doctor is wrong. Maybe I don’t have cancer? Maybe I should get a second opinion. DAMN this is not fair! I take good care of my body and I get CANCER? Why me? What am I going to do now? MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!
Am I going to die? How can I pay for this treatment? Where can I find a good doctor? What am I going to do??? Do I have enough sick leave at work for treatment??? MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!

My bet is that nobody is ever prepared for a cancer diagnosis. It hits like a lighting bolt, unexpected. Out of the blue. BHAM!!! Then you look around dazed and confused and scared and panic creeps into your body and adrenalin pumps in your system and your heart pounds in your chest. Maybe you hyperventilate.

MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!

Perhaps being told you have cancer is like being inside a tornado. Memories flood your brain and emotions trigger you body as you spin round and round as you try to figure this cancer thing out. The experience is being out of control. Shocked. Spinning and spinning and spinning.

MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!

For those of you who have experienced an earthquake, a cancer diagnosis is like that. The ground starts to shake and the bookcase starts to sway next to your head and you pray the cancer will not crush you. You pray to God to give you strength to fight this disease.

MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!

I swim in the ocean. I am a good swimmer. One time I was in Maui on a beautiful beach. The water was 80 degrees. I put on my mask, fins and snorkel and swam alone without a boogie board. THEN a riptide began to pull me out to sea away from the safety of dry land. I swam with all of my might against the tide. I looked at the ocean bottom with my goggles and I was not moving because the riptide is pulling me out to sea.

My cancer diagnosis felt like a riptide pulling me out to sea and perhaps death. YOU try to figure out what to do to save your life, NOW. There are no vacations from Cancer. The riptide was pulling me away from a normal life without cancer.