My Diagnosis

My Diagnosis
Oct 2003.

I opened my eyes seeing the face of my doctor. He had a serious, concerned look in his eyes. The anesthesia was wearing off and I wasn’t quite sure where I was.

“You have colon cancer, Mr. Beckstein. You must get an abdominal resection as soon as possible.” My doctor stated.

“What? I have cancer?” I asked dumbfounded.

“Colon cancer. Your surgeon will have to remove half your colon to remove the cancer but I don’t think you will need a colostomy bag.” He repeated since I appeared to be in shock and panic. He handed me a tiny slip of paper as the nurses wheeled me out of the procedure room. Doors opened. I felt like I was leaving a carwash. I stared at the ceiling and looked at an upside down nurse.

“You will be expelling quite a lot of air out of your rectum, Mr. Beckstein.” The nurse commented as she pushed my gurney into recovery.

“What is an abdominal resection?” I asked the nurse squinting my eyes trying to read the piece of paper the doc had handed me. It still had not hit me yet that I had cancer. She said that I needed to talk to the doctor about my diagnosis.

“Can I get you a cup of water?” she asked.

“How about bourbon?”

It was a miracle I was able to drive home by myself without having an accident. I was coming out of a routine colonoscopy and into the world of being a colon cancer patient.

I felt like I was falling down a big well with nothing to hold for safety. Falling and spinning and lost. Solid ground was a thing of the past; out of control.

My mind raced as I sat in my backyard garden. I have cancer! I have cancer? What am I going to do? Maybe the doctor is wrong. Maybe I don’t have cancer? I should get a second opinion. DAMN this is not fair! I take good care of my body and I get CANCER? Why me? What am I going to do now? MY GOD I HAVE CANCER! Am I going to die? How can I pay for this treatment? Where can I find a good doctor? What am I going to do??? Do I have enough sick leave at work for treatment??? MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!

My cancer diagnosis hit me like a lighting bolt, unexpected. Out of the blue. BHAM!!! I looked around dazed, confused, scared and panic crept into my body. Adrenalin pumped into my blood stream and my heart pounded in my chest.

MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!

Perhaps being told you have cancer is like being inside a tornado. Memories flood your brain and emotions trigger you body as you spin round and round as you try to figure this cancer thing out. The experience is being out of control. Shocked. Spinning and spinning and spinning.

MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!

For those of you who have experienced an earthquake, a cancer diagnosis is like that. The ground starts to shake and the bookcase starts to sway next to your head and you pray the cancer will not crush you. You pray to God to give you strength to fight this disease. You pray a lot when you have cancer.

MY GOD I HAVE CANCER!

I love to swim in the ocean. I am a good swimmer. One time I was in Maui on a beautiful beach. The water was 80 degrees. I put on my mask, fins and snorkel and swam alone without a boogie board. A rip current began to pull me out to sea away from the safety of dry land. I swam with all of my might against the tide. I looked at the ocean bottom with my goggles and I was not moving because the rip current was pulling me out to sea. I was lucky. I remembered how to rescue myself and get back to the safety of the shore.